I know what you mean, and you gain perspective as you get older I guess, but a loss is still a loss, and that never really changes.
I remember I took a course in Shakespeare my senior year of college, and I was so distressed at all the fare-welling that was going on at the end of classes that I barely studied for the final exam. I did memorize MacBeth's soliloquy in Act V, Scene 5, though. When I saw the final exam I was stymied for any answer, and for lack of any other idea I just wrote the soliloquy as my answer. My whole grade rode on this one test, and I wrote:
"To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."
I don't remember the question, and I don't remember whether I wrote anything else, probably not; I fully expected to fail the exam. But I got an A, so I went to see him to see if there had been a mistake, but he assured me that no, no mistake.
We spoke a little further and he revealed that he was grieving - grieving the loss of the students in his class, which he told me he did every year for his whole career, and somehow MacBeth's soliloquy had hit just the right button and moved him just so deeply that he'd had to give me the A. I was mystified that an *adult* could feel that way. Yes, I was feeling it, but he was *old*!
I think it comforted me, and so I offer it to you along with this reminder: you can stay in touch. And if you fall out of touch, you can get back in touch without all that much trouble. Maybe you should.
23 and in chicago as well, thankfully no one in my life is leaving the city yet but I definitely dread the inevitable day when someone does…it’s hard enough making plans to see people who live in the same place as me given how separately busy our lives got once undergrad was over. Plus covid took away a good year and a half of my undergrad social life. I really relate to your need/desire for certainty. Love this piece!
omgggG with every leaving I experience, mine or another’s, death is there like a devil on my shoulder. like I’m always giving the “this is it, this is important, this is the whole story being felt” hug. and I’m thinking of it before and after too. you truly put this particular vortex of anxiety into the most affecting, lasting (!!) prose. and I think we’re beautiful for understanding how ephemeral time really is and being this intentional. I can’t imagine having composure lol.
as a fellow 23-yr old, this hits. i'd applied for grad school senior year, didn't get in, was crushed, and felt like everybody was watching me. but then summer happened, i restarted my apps, said goodbye to a lot of good friends. several are married or engaged now (what....) and here i am, going back to school. comparison rly is the thief of joy but my god why does time move so fast without sufficient goodbyes??
i graduated in college in may so this feels so familiar to what i'm experiencing now. i have high school friends scattered around, but there's something about leaving people you've lived within a walking distance of that hurts so much more. leaving people is so hard - i never get used to it.
this is absolutely beautiful. so so human, even though i know that’s a vague descriptor. what i mean to say is it’s so clear you see people and you see human experiences with a keen eye & can articulate what u see so well.
i’m definitely at one of those landmark ages right now and it’s so so confusing and scary and difficult. but i saw myself in this and also admire ur writing so much. also chicago !!! i have so much love for chicago thank u for sharing ur experiences in it🤍
Years ago, the first spoken word poet I ever heard was a guy named Shane Koyczan (who I still love to this day, which is ironically the name of that first poem of his I heard way back when). He has this one poem about his mom’s illness and eventual death that talks about saying goodbye, and as A. a dude with a dead mom and B. an overly sentimental sap, I found myself uniquely affected by that poem. Nothing else has hit me quite like it did — until now. Until this.
You’re fucking incredible, and I hope you know that.
Dude this is the kindest compliment I’ve ever received on my writing. I’m so happy it connected with you :). Thank so much for commenting! Being overly sentimental is debilitating sometimes.
An awesome read, I loved this. The anecdote about teaching your dog that goodbyes don't last forever is touching and weirdly amazing in the best way. Great writing.
I know what you mean, and you gain perspective as you get older I guess, but a loss is still a loss, and that never really changes.
I remember I took a course in Shakespeare my senior year of college, and I was so distressed at all the fare-welling that was going on at the end of classes that I barely studied for the final exam. I did memorize MacBeth's soliloquy in Act V, Scene 5, though. When I saw the final exam I was stymied for any answer, and for lack of any other idea I just wrote the soliloquy as my answer. My whole grade rode on this one test, and I wrote:
"To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."
I don't remember the question, and I don't remember whether I wrote anything else, probably not; I fully expected to fail the exam. But I got an A, so I went to see him to see if there had been a mistake, but he assured me that no, no mistake.
We spoke a little further and he revealed that he was grieving - grieving the loss of the students in his class, which he told me he did every year for his whole career, and somehow MacBeth's soliloquy had hit just the right button and moved him just so deeply that he'd had to give me the A. I was mystified that an *adult* could feel that way. Yes, I was feeling it, but he was *old*!
I think it comforted me, and so I offer it to you along with this reminder: you can stay in touch. And if you fall out of touch, you can get back in touch without all that much trouble. Maybe you should.
Thank you so much for sharing! i’ll def be returning to this soliloquy whenever i get lonely
If you want something a little less bright, where I mentioned you, you could check out https://jackrender.substack.com/p/parting-is-such-sweet-sorrow
There could be more consoling passages! But it’s a goofy story at least.
23 and in chicago as well, thankfully no one in my life is leaving the city yet but I definitely dread the inevitable day when someone does…it’s hard enough making plans to see people who live in the same place as me given how separately busy our lives got once undergrad was over. Plus covid took away a good year and a half of my undergrad social life. I really relate to your need/desire for certainty. Love this piece!
omgggG with every leaving I experience, mine or another’s, death is there like a devil on my shoulder. like I’m always giving the “this is it, this is important, this is the whole story being felt” hug. and I’m thinking of it before and after too. you truly put this particular vortex of anxiety into the most affecting, lasting (!!) prose. and I think we’re beautiful for understanding how ephemeral time really is and being this intentional. I can’t imagine having composure lol.
as a fellow 23-yr old, this hits. i'd applied for grad school senior year, didn't get in, was crushed, and felt like everybody was watching me. but then summer happened, i restarted my apps, said goodbye to a lot of good friends. several are married or engaged now (what....) and here i am, going back to school. comparison rly is the thief of joy but my god why does time move so fast without sufficient goodbyes??
it all moves so fast, but eventually i think we’ll get used to it. it’s just rough in the moment ahhh!!
i graduated in college in may so this feels so familiar to what i'm experiencing now. i have high school friends scattered around, but there's something about leaving people you've lived within a walking distance of that hurts so much more. leaving people is so hard - i never get used to it.
this is absolutely beautiful. so so human, even though i know that’s a vague descriptor. what i mean to say is it’s so clear you see people and you see human experiences with a keen eye & can articulate what u see so well.
i’m definitely at one of those landmark ages right now and it’s so so confusing and scary and difficult. but i saw myself in this and also admire ur writing so much. also chicago !!! i have so much love for chicago thank u for sharing ur experiences in it🤍
Thank you so much ahhhh
“Then we hugged without a gap between our waists.” — like, are you fucking kidding me?? GOD IT’S SO GOOD
Years ago, the first spoken word poet I ever heard was a guy named Shane Koyczan (who I still love to this day, which is ironically the name of that first poem of his I heard way back when). He has this one poem about his mom’s illness and eventual death that talks about saying goodbye, and as A. a dude with a dead mom and B. an overly sentimental sap, I found myself uniquely affected by that poem. Nothing else has hit me quite like it did — until now. Until this.
You’re fucking incredible, and I hope you know that.
Dude this is the kindest compliment I’ve ever received on my writing. I’m so happy it connected with you :). Thank so much for commenting! Being overly sentimental is debilitating sometimes.
Right there with you, man. It’s comforting to see other folks who are just as sentimental and bad at goodbyes as me. Thank you for sharing this 🫶🏻
I don't often read things that make me yearn for the next word but this made me do so. I loved it!!!! So beautiful
That’s such a sweet compliment, thank you so much 😭❤️
This is the most beautiful title and is paired with such an interesting exploration—thank you for sharing!!
Lovely writing, but that first bit about the hug goodbye — ooooft, beautiful!
An awesome read, I loved this. The anecdote about teaching your dog that goodbyes don't last forever is touching and weirdly amazing in the best way. Great writing.
thank you so much! i wish it was as easy to train ourselves as it is dogs in that department.
sometimes change feels like a death! very well said
23, feeling the same things, and still learning to be comfortable with saying my goodbyes